How to Mess Up Your Kids During a Divorce (and What to Do Instead)
Let's talk about how to really screw up your children during a divorce.
Because apparently the divorce itself isn't stressful enough. Why not put the kids right in the middle of it? Give them a front row seat. Hand them some popcorn.
Before anyone emails me: yes, I'm being sarcastic. I work with people going through divorce, separation and custody conflict every day. And one thing I see over and over again is this:
Good parents can make really bad decisions when they're hurt.
Not because they don't love their kids. Because they feel betrayed, scared, rejected, or completely out of control. Divorce has a special talent for bringing out a version of us we barely recognize.
So instead of another list of "healthy co-parenting tips" you'll forget by Tuesday, let's look at exactly how to mess your kids up. Then we'll do the opposite.
Mistake #1: Tell them everything
The affair. The money. The texts. The court applications. The pension valuation.
What every eight-year-old wants after soccer practice is a full financial disclosure, right?
Your child doesn't need the adult version of the divorce. They need the version that helps them understand their own life. Where am I sleeping? Who's picking me up? Do I still get to see Grandma? Am I going to be okay?
That's their world. They don't need to know who cheated. They definitely don't need to see screenshots. If you catch yourself holding up your phone and saying "look what your dad sent me," put it down and back away slowly. Your twelve-year-old is not your litigation consultant.
Mistake #2: Make them pick a side
You don't even have to say it out loud. Kids read the room better than any adult.
They come home happy from a weekend at Dad's and you go quiet. They mention the new shoes Mom bought and you say, "Must be nice." They walk through the door and you fire off twenty questions about who was there and what was said.
Now your child has learned that loving their other parent hurts you.
Kids should be allowed to love both parents without feeling like they're betraying either one. That's true even when the other parent has made terrible choices. Your child's relationship with that person is not the same as yours. Let them be separate.
Mistake #3: Use them as the messenger
"Tell your dad you need to be home by six." "Tell your mom she still owes me." "Tell your father Christmas is my year."
Why talk to your ex directly when you have a perfectly good nine-year-old available?
Kids are not couriers. They're not responsible for the schedule, the money, or delivering the message you're too angry or too tired to send yourself. If the adults have something to discuss, the adults discuss it. Email, text, a parenting app, carrier pigeon. Anything but the kid.
Mistake #4: Make them take care of you
Of course you'll miss them when they leave. That's normal, and it's okay for them to know it.
But when "I'll miss you" turns into "I hate when you go there" or "I'll be all alone," something shifts. Now your ten-year-old spends the whole weekend worrying about you instead of being a kid. They feel guilty for having fun.
The fix is surprisingly simple, and it starts with two words: I'm okay. Those words give your child permission to go. They tell them the adults are still the adults.
"But Lisa, you don't know what my ex is doing"
I probably do.
I work in high-conflict divorce and coercive control. I work with people whose exes lie, manipulate, withhold the kids, ignore agreements and create conflict for sport. I'm not going to pretend that some people aren't difficult. They are.
I'm not telling you that bad behaviour is okay. I'm telling you not to let someone else's bad behaviour decide what kind of parent you become.
Sometimes protecting your child means firmer boundaries. Sometimes it means parallel parenting instead of co-parenting. Sometimes it means documenting, going to court, or bringing in professionals. All of that can be the right call.
But protecting your child and recruiting your child into your battle are two completely different things.
What your kids actually need
The answer is almost boring. Stability. Routine. Knowing what happens next. Permission to love both parents. Someone who listens without interrogating. And the reassurance that this was never their fault and it's not their job to fix it.
You won't get this right every time. Nobody does. You'll snap. You'll roll your eyes when your ex's name pops up on your phone, and your kid will see it. The goal isn't perfection. It's awareness, and knowing how to repair it when you slip.
Because here's what I wish more parents understood:
Your children don't need you to win the divorce. They need you to stay their parent while you go through it.
And sometimes that's the hardest part of all.
These are four. There are twelve.
The four above are the ones I see most often. In the full lesson inside The Divorce Compass, I walk through all twelve, including the ones that do the most quiet damage, and I give you the exact words to use instead. What to say at a tense exchange. How to decide what's worth documenting and what's just anger looking for evidence. How to repair it when you've already said the thing you regret.
The Divorce Compass is my support group for women navigating divorce, separation and custody conflict. You get short video lessons you can watch on your own time, plus live Q&A with me twice a week:
Wednesdays, 12:00 to 12:45 MT
Saturdays, 9:00 to 9:45 MT
Bring the real questions, the ones you can't ask your family because they're tired of hearing about it. You'll be in a room with women who get it.
Founding members join at $49 a month, locked in for as long as you stay.
You don't have to do the hardest part alone.
Lisa James is a divorce and high-conflict co-parenting coach and the founder of Divorce Conflict Solutions. This article is general information, not legal or clinical advice. If you have concerns about your child's safety, please contact the appropriate professionals or authorities in your area.
