Ignore, Document, or Act: How to Stop Reacting to a Challenging Ex
Here's one of the most frustrating truths about divorce:
You can't control what your ex does.
You can't control what they say about you, how they behave, whether they cooperate, or whether they'll ever see things the way you do.
And yet so much of your energy goes into trying. Correcting them. Explaining yourself. Trying to stop every behaviour you don't agree with. Trying to make them understand what they're doing.
It's exhausting. And it almost never works.
"Let them," and where it falls short
You've probably heard some version of "let them." The idea is simple: stop trying to manage other people's behaviour and put your energy back into your own life.
For a lot of what happens in a divorce, that's exactly right.
But in a high-conflict divorce, "just let it go" can be risky advice. Because some things shouldn't be let go. Some things need a record. And some things need action.
So I teach it a little differently. Every time something happens, run it through one question:
Do I need to ignore this, document this, or act on this?
1. Ignore it
Your ex makes a snarky comment. Ignore it.
They tell their friends a version of the story you completely disagree with. Ignore it.
They send a message that's clearly designed to get a reaction. You don't have to give them one.
Ignoring isn't weakness. It's refusing to hand over your peace every time someone pokes at it. A lot of high-conflict behaviour runs on your reaction. Take the reaction away and there's a lot less fuel.
(Need the words for when you do have to reply? Here are 10 phrases that shut down high-conflict co-parents.)
2. Document it
Some things don't need a response in the moment, but they do need a record.
If it's part of a pattern that could matter later, especially around parenting time, the kids, money, communication, or following an agreement or court order, write it down:
The date and time
What happened, in plain facts
Any messages, emails or screenshots
Who else was there
No commentary. No adjectives. No "as usual." Just facts.
You don't need to argue about it today. Sometimes the strongest move is to quietly write it down and get on with your day. Over time, a pattern speaks for itself. And if it ever does become relevant in a legal setting, your lawyer will thank you for a clean record instead of a phone full of angry screenshots.
(If your ex keeps ignoring a parenting agreement, start with this post.)
3. Act on it
And then there are the things you don't shrug off.
If it involves your children's safety, a significant financial decision, a breach of an agreement or order, harassment, threats, or anything that could seriously affect your situation, that's not a "let them" moment.
That's the moment to get the right advice and decide what happens next. That might be your lawyer. It might be the police. It might be another professional who needs to know.
Acting doesn't mean reacting. It means responding on purpose, with the right people, in the right order.
The better question
When something happens, most people ask:
"How do I make them stop?"
The better question is:
"What's the smartest response to this?"
Sometimes the answer is nothing. Sometimes it's a note in your documentation file. Sometimes it's a short, factual reply. Sometimes it's mediation. Sometimes it's a call to your lawyer.
The point isn't to pretend it doesn't bother you. It's to stop letting every single thing run your life.
You're not giving up your voice
When you stop trying to manage someone else's behaviour, you get your energy back. Energy for your own decisions, your own boundaries, your kids and your future.
You're not giving up your voice. You're choosing when to use it.
You're not ignoring problems. You're deciding which ones actually deserve your attention.
And you're not letting your ex "win." You're refusing to let their behaviour be in charge of your life.
So next time your phone lights up, take a breath and ask: ignore, document, or act? That one question can save you a lot of emotional energy, a lot of unnecessary back and forth, and a lot of expensive decisions made in the heat of the moment.
If you want somewhere to bring those "is this worth responding to?" moments every week, that's what The Divorce Compass is for. Live Q&A with me every Wednesday and Saturday, with women who understand exactly what you're dealing with.
Lisa James is a certified divorce and custody coach and the founder of Divorce Conflict Solutions. This article is general information, not legal advice or therapy. If you are in crisis, call 911, or call or text 988.
