The 5 Most Common Mistakes Parents Make When Messaging a High-Conflict Ex (And How to Avoid Them)
Let’s be real.
Messaging a high-conflict ex takes an emotional toll your mental and physical well-being. You’re trying to avoid the insults, accusations, all while trying to respond without getting more coming towards you.
You start out just trying to co-parent.
Stay calm. Keep it focused on the kids.
But somehow, even the simplest message turns into a disaster.
Sound familiar?
That’s because when you’re dealing with someone who uses communication to control, not collaborate, the usual rules don’t apply. And if you don’t have a solid strategy in place, it’s easy to fall into patterns that actually make things worse.
Here are the 5 most common mistakes I see parents make (and how you can avoid them starting today):
1. Over-Explaining Yourself
Why it happens: You’re not trying to argue. You’re trying to be clear, honest, maybe even reasonable. You want your side understood.
Why it backfires: High-conflict people don’t want clarity. They want control. And the more you explain, the more material they have to twist, debate, and weaponize against you.
The Fix: Stop trying to defend. Stick to the facts. One sentence is often enough.
Example:
Instead of: “I’m not keeping Jane from you, but she had a cold and needed rest and the doctor said…”
Try: “Jane had a fever and needed rest. Let me know if you’d like the doctor’s note.”
2. Responding with Emotion
Why it happens: Because you’re human. And it hurts.
The lies, the manipulation, the constant gaslighting, it’s infuriating. Of course you want to call it out.
Why it backfires: The more emotion you show, the more they spin it. To outsiders, it starts to look like you’re the unstable one.
The Fix: Write the message. Then wait. Take a walk. Come back with a calm head. Edit before sending.
Your goal is to sound grounded, not triggered.
3. Sounding Too Cold or Robotic
Why it happens: You’re trying to Grey Rock it, no emotion, no reaction, no vulnerability.
Why it backfires: Courts and professionals don’t always understand what’s going on behind the scenes. If your messages come across as cold or dismissive, you might be seen as the uncooperative parent.
The Fix: Enter: The STEADY Method
It’s my trauma-informed twist on Grey Rock. Same calm, factual tone but with just enough warmth to come across as stable, sane, and solution-focused.
4. Taking the Bait
Why it happens: They accuse you of something awful. Or say something so wrong you feel like you have to respond.
You’re trying to set the record straight.
Why it backfires: It’s a trap. The moment you engage, they’ve won. You’re now off-topic, emotional, and vulnerable to manipulation.
Worse, your reaction becomes the new “proof” of your behavior.
The Fix: Treat every message like a courtroom exhibit. Stay laser-focused on parenting logistics. If it’s not about the child, it doesn’t need a response.
5. Messaging Without a Strategy
Why it happens: You’re in survival mode. You’re just trying to get through the day, send what needs to be sent, and move on.
Why it backfires: Without a system, your messages are inconsistent. And when things go legal, inconsistency kills credibility.
The Fix: Build a communication system. Templates. Boundaries. A clear, repeatable formula.
Something that protects your legal credibility and your peace of mind.
And yes, I can help you build it.
So, Now What?
If you’ve been making these mistakes, you’re not failing.
You’re just trying to co-parent with someone who thrives on chaos.
And that requires a different kind of playbook.
You don’t need to argue.
You don’t need to prove yourself.
You don’t even need to get them to agree.
You need a strategy that:
Keeps you calm
Protects your credibility
Makes your messages court-ready
And makes you unf*ckwithable
That’s what I teach.
👉 Want to take the next step?
Let’s build your messaging system together. One that works in real life, not just in theory.
🔗 Click here to book a session
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You don’t control how they show up.
But you do control how you respond.
And that’s where your power is.
